Advice to Old Men from a Young Man

by Ted Dziuba Saturday January 17 2009
1. Unless you were shooting Kennedy, nobody cares where you were when Kennedy was shot.

2. The left lane on the freeway is a young man’s game.

3. Things will always get more expensive. Bitching about the cost of gasoline isn’t going to make it any cheaper. Corollary: nobody cares that a gallon of gasoline used to cost a nickel.

4. War stories: keep them coming.

5. If you have a prosthetic hook-arm, it’s your duty to use it to scare children. Corollary to #4, your prosthetic hook-arm makes a war story way better. If you didn’t lose your arm in a war, make up a good war story to explain it. Nobody will know the difference.

6. The world doesn’t owe you anything.

7. Respect your youngers. We’re the ones who will pay your Social Security and take care of you when you’re enfeebled.

8. Advice you offer to young men should fall into one of these three categories:
A. The finer points of tolerable behavior when it comes to strippers
B. Recommendations on quality whiskeys
C. Sticking it to the man

9. If you’re past the point where people depend on you, eat, smoke, drink, and gamble. We young men must control our vices, but you’ve earned the right to indulge with reckless abandon. Show us what we have to look forward to.

10. You keep getting older, but they stay the same age. From a young man’s perspective, a 65 year old man with a 23 year old woman isn’t a shame, it’s a victory.

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